When I Quit Fighting, I Started Winning

Sometimes, surrendering leads to victory. I always believed that telling someone “no,” prioritizing self care, and feeling anxious were signs of weakness. These things made me selfish, so I fought them constantly. When I felt tired or overburdened, I told myself: “Get it together. You’re tougher than this.” I refused to surrender, even to myself.

I am tough, but not in the way I always thought I was. To confront fear is real strength. I was afraid of my anxiety. I was afraid to take care of myself. What this wrought on me was physical illness. By fighting my fears, I lost. Everything I dreaded had occurred: friends, family, and colleagues saw me at my most vulnerable. They saw that I do have a breaking point. 

They didn’t mock me, but instead, embraced me. They lifted me up, stood behind me, and propped me up when I couldn’t do it myself. They held me when I needed to be held. There were some who didn’t understand and expected me to continue on in the same way that had made me sick. Occasionally, I gave in to old habits, and I fought. Every time I fought, I found myself back on the floor. I now see who picked me up, told me it was okay, and to keep going. I also saw who pushed me down, saying I was weak.

Now when I feel that wave of dread coming, I let it wash over me. On really good days, I run towards it, because I know I’ll still be standing after it hits. When I surrender, I win.