How I Finally Shared What is Eating Me Up

December 11, 2016 / Jamie Doe (anonymous)  / 
connected, eating disorder

My eating disorder voice

My eating disorder (ED) started when I was a freshman in college; I was 18 years old at the time. For the many years that followed, my eating disorder and I were on-and-off-again allies for the most part – but even through the “off” times, I continued to listen to my ED voice. Let me begin by explaining what my ED voice is – its basically an ongoing dialogue in my head that doesn’t let up. When I want a dessert, for example, it may say, “But Jamie. You don’t truly want that. You’ve restricted so well today, don’t mess it up now. Put that shit back on the shelf RIGHT THIS INSTANT!” I try to tell that voice to “shut the fuck up” whenever I hear it, and more times than not, I am triumphant. 

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When I Quit Fighting, I Started Winning

December 4, 2016 / Claire Kopko  / 
mountain, fragile, strength

Sometimes, surrendering leads to victory. I always believed that telling someone “no,” prioritizing self care, and feeling anxious were signs of weakness. These things made me selfish, so I fought them constantly. When I felt tired or overburdened, I told myself: “Get it together. You’re tougher than this.” I refused to surrender, even to myself.

I am tough, but not in the way I always thought I was. To confront fear is real strength. I was afraid of my anxiety. I was afraid to take care of myself. What this wrought on me was physical illness. By fighting my fears, I lost. Everything I dreaded had occurred: friends, family, and colleagues saw me at my most vulnerable. (more…)

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