Look me in the Eye

November 1, 2016 / Alex Hanna  / 
look me in the eye, in the eye, depression,
How did I get here?
I closed my eyes,
Went to sleep,
Awoke as someone I don’t recognize. 

Where did “I” go?
Is this even me?
In the foggy mirror
I struggle to see:
Struggle to see me.

~ A. Hanna

“Look me in the eye”, he screams. “Look at me!”. I shudder, gazing at my untied shoelaces. I can’t look up. I can’t look you in the eye. But why? What’s stopping me? Guilt? Shame? Embarrassment? Vulnerability? The man staring back continues to berate me, taunt me, challenge me in ways that make me want to shatter the mirror in front of me. It isn’t just others I fear, it’s myself. 

What am I afraid of?

Depression won’t reveal the answer, as much as I wish it would. Anxiety refuses to reason with my rational mind. Those of you shaking your heads know those days when you can’t get out of bed, when putting your feet on the floor seems akin to walking across hot coals. These are the days when I can’t seem to muster enough courage to look myself in the eye. But even if I can, I don’t really feel like I’m looking at myself. It’s as if I’m looking at a stranger, a stranger with lifelessness in his eyes. This is not a stranger I particularly want to be friends with, but we’re connected at the hip. This is my darker half, but that does not mean it has to stay that way. No sir. (more…)