I return at last;
Been a long time coming.
I knew I would.
I knew I would.
It was a matter of when,
not a matter of if.
And here I am.
Here I am.
You thought you could keep me
out of this place.
Well, you were wrong.
You were wrong.
You doubted my resolve:
Said I couldn’t do it.
Well fuck you,
you ignorant fool.
Because here I am
Here I am.
I’m back, and today I chose to write about the road to recovery from my eating disorder (ED). Who’s with me?!
Negative coping skills related to ED’s are in one word, exhausting. The behaviors, rituals, and all the thinking about food and my body consumed a large part of every single day of my life for the better part of an entire DECADE. Over time, I realized that I wanted to live life again – in the present. I wanted meaningful relationships and experiences – I wanted to laugh and remember the days where I just listened to myself, not my ED voice – I wanted to live life for me. And most of all, above anything, I wanted to be free. Liberated.
Today. I will be strong. I will be happy.
Everything in life is possible because of our experiences. I have been weak – down on my knees begging for help. I have been sad, hopeless, unable to help myself. But I have survived. And because of that adversity, I stand strong.
I’ve been having a hard time lately. I have most definitely not been strong; I have generally not been happy. I will admit that to you all today. But what I have been is supported. I am eternally thankful that when I am not able to support myself, others in my life are able and willing to catch me before I hit the ground; they help me see when I am blind. While lost at sea, they help steer my ship in the right direction; opening my eyes to faint light in the distance calling me to safety.
Nobody is able to carry another without reprieve. We all take turns supporting one another, through our good times and our dark times. We help each other see what has been lost from sight. We help each other steer toward the light.
Firstly, there is no right or wrong answer to this question. People will take stances on both sides. I, too, have my stance on this matter. Which you’ll hear more about in a second. It is important to understand that each person will find his or her peace of mind in different ways.
Your Peace of Mind…Does your depression define who you are?Have you let it control all aspects of your life? If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, or even paused to think about it, you aren’t alone. So many of us have felt that sense of dread, just from thinking of walking out your front door. You know that you shouldn’t, but you do. And you resent yourself for it.
When posed with this question, most people will instinctively (and often defensively) answer with a resounding “NO”. But then they spend the next 12 hours really thinking about it, ruminating over the notion that maybe it could be true. And that, alone, perpetuates the cycle…again. The internet is littered with articles about you are not defined by your illness, whether it be anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or cancer. You are you, you are not your illness.
But…do you believe that?(more…)
Have you been there? Completely surrounded by fog, while still in your human body? The first question that always pops into my mind is “where do I go?”. All logic, all reasoning, any hope of action eludes me. But then, there is a beam of light that shines ever so gently onto your brow, and with that warmth, brings ecstasy.
Where do I go when surrounded by fog
so dense I can hardly breathe?
Repulsively palpable – my lungs filled with smog,
so lost – nobody will grieve.
Impossible to tell
whether it’s day or its night.
Fear washes over
that I’ve seen my last light.
The fight continues, day in and day out. Every day feels like an eternity. But know that each day of struggle brings you that much closer to victory. And that victory may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow. But when that day comes, be ready, be humble, and be accepting. You are the only one who knows how hard you have fought to be where you are.
In the dirt between the tracks on the sidewalk,
yields a rose who has toiled longer and harder than his brothers.
In an effort just to peek through the cracks,
he looks out of place against the gray background –
but shows signs of beauty that has rarely been seen. (more…)