Eating Disorders: A to Z

Written by  in category 
November 18, 2017
eating disorder

It started slowly and picked up pace quickly. Starting with the little things, working out more, and more, and more. Till I was still unsatisfied. Then it turned to eating. Eating less and less. Wanting to rip my “fat” off my body, to tear away all of the skin. Eventually, it turned into endless hours of working out but never having enough energy. Counting every single chip. The “dark age” of my life lasted, long but short. Like I mentioned it started slow. With me nothing more but not doing anything. It went on like this for almost a year. Before I was working out day in and day out; before I was eating less than one hundred calories a day. Before, I was crying over how I looked not talking to anyone. Wondering why I was like this.

My parents found the reason before I did. Taking me straight to the hospital. I was there for over a week, longer than most. Not wanting to leave but at the same time wanting to run as far from that place as possible. In the moment of the dark ages it felt like forever, but now see it as a smudge in my timeline. That timeline goes on, far past what I see right now with recovery. Even though the eating disorder only affected me for a couple of months, it still has changed my life today, and all my tomorrows.

I’m very lucky to have parents who found my eating disorder early on. I have had the eating disorder for about the same time I have been in recovery so far. It so crazy, that at some moments anorexia can come back so strong. Still, even on recovery, I see me comparing and judging myself to others. There are sometimes when I start to slip back into the past routine, but quickly pull myself out. I know it is very stressful whenever you are in recovery for anything, but especially bed rest. (it’s the worst.) and sometimes you may get bored. So some of the things I have done is:

  • Open a blog,
  • Open an Etsy store,
  • Learn to arm knit,
  • Learn to knit,
  • Write poems,
  • Draw,
  • Paint. 
  • And other arts and crafts. 

But other than building skills I have also built some relationships with my family. Getting close to them all through this experience. So here is a list of the thoughts most people with an eating disorder think, or how the eating disorder is seen through the eyes of someone who has one: 

Ahhh! Don’t eat that!
But you’re so fat?
Cause I said so!
Don’t you dare touch that donut.
Eat noting today?
Fifty more and you should be good.
Great , you’re still fat.
How could you do that!?
I can’t believe you still look like this.
Jumping jacks, squats and pushups. Basic.
Kneel before me.
Look up, “how to lose all my fat.”
Morning workout time!
Nope, nope, nopity, nope.
Obese, that’s the only way to describe you.
People are looking at you!
Quickly, do this workout.
Run, and run, and run.
Stupid!
The door is that way.
Useless as a white marker.
Vegan, you could lose weight.
Why don’t you look like that?
Xenophobic, are you not!
You can’t do anything.
Zone out of what people are saying.

When most people think of an eating disorder they think of someone who is selfish. It’s anything but that. It is something that controls your everyday life, all of your thoughts and actions; taking your life and playing with it like a chess piece. And that’s what I want people to understand. No one chooses the life with an eating disorder. It’s bad, a jerk, and straight up tiring. it’s like having a child that never shuts up and always shuts you down.

“Be happy for this moment.
This moment is your life” 
~ Omar Khayyam

If you would like to read more of my works, please go over and read my blog. I write poems, other stuff about the eating disorder. Also some arts and crafts stuff. https://inmymindhh.blogspot.com/. You can also look at my store: https://www.etsy.com/shop/InMyMindHH and if you want ten percent off of my store you can go to http://eepurl.com/c5tY8v.

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  • Zach

    Great work. This topic is hard to discuss but is so crucial because it affects millions.

    I know from personal experience that working out and dieting, when taken to extremes, are basically an addiction. Someone addicted to heroin spends their entire day planning how to buy and use it, and someone who’s anorexic or bulimic or has body dysmorphia spends their entire day planning how to workout and eat (or not eat). It’s very totalitarian. It bleeds into every aspect of your life in even the most microscopic ways.

    Wishing you continued luck on your journey!

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